“Longterm Single” – are you always single?

Dauersingle, longterm single explained

The number of longterm singles is getting higher and higher – at least that’s how I feel . This single blog is going to be most of the time about this topic. That’s why the german term “Dauersingle” will be often used in my stories. This article explains and defines the term “Dauersingle”, which represents a perfect term to describe a person living as a single for a long time, either if it’s wanted or unwanted.

Definition of the term

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The term “Dauersingle” consists of two words:
  • Dauer = steady {adj}, permanent {adj}, continuous {adj}, perennial {adj}, continuant {adj}
  • Single = a person without a relationship

There isn’t yet an official definition for the term, although it’s a very common term in Germany. A few dating sites (e.g. Parship) define the term as a longer period (a few years) of time being without a relationship.

I want to set my own definition for the term:

A “Dauersingle” is a person, who to this day lived most of his / her life without a relationship, either because he / her wanted to stay single or because he / her were unlucky. The period of being single is only disrupted by a few weeks or months of relationships with somewhat of a commitment.

I’m a “Dauersingle”, but why?

What are the reasons for being a 'Dauersingle'?
  • A person wants to stay single. They enjoy their freedom without wanting commitment and ties, so that they can be free in their decisions. This attitude can be triggered by loving their space, having bad experiences, or simply because a person is a lone wolf.
  • A person wants a partner but has little success. I divide this group into two types of people:
    • People who are emotionally dependent and / or psychologically unstable and / or generally dependent
    • People unlucky about timing or circumstances who cannot find a partner despite being stable, intelligent, and attractive.

Reactions in life

Both groups of people react and live life very different.

There are three types of coping with the situation:
  • Living life to the fullest. If a person is happy with their single status, because they want to stay single, they enjoy their everyday life and situation and have the strength to push themselves into new projects.
  • Acceptance of the situation. A person who wants a partner but isn’t lucky in finding one, can react with an acceptance of the situation. Family and friends are enough to live a good and fulfilled life. They are open for new romances but don’t push it to get there.
  • The situation is lived with desperation. Persons who want a partner can react with a desperation and with lack of understanding, why life is giving them such a hard time. Many of them wonder if it’s because of them that they can’t find a partner.

The individual attitude towards a “Dauersingle”-status show in the everyday life decisions of a person. A happy person will always put the strength and motivation into life- and future-decisions. Meanwhile a person desperate for a relationship puts all that power into how to get a partner and can’t concentrate on living and enjoying the present.
Of course I have described the extremes in handling the situation of being “Dauersingle”. There always are going to be people handling the situation different depending on the day and situation.

My situation

Take me for example: This burden is unfortunately hard to get rid of due to bad experiences throughout my life. I wish I could find someone with whom I can share a life and whom I can love. I consider myself as an intelligent and attractive person, being open to new people and experiences. Sadly I am the definition of a bad luck person. I admire me for being able to be very thankful for many things and possibilities in my life, despite some cruel situations destiniy had for me. I am looking for someone to share all my moments with, for someone with whom I can enjoy life.
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But, and I am not lying to myself, I also know why I’m a “Dauersingle”. I am demanding and would like to enter into a high-quality partnership. I have high expectations and want to be convinced and fascinated by the character and thoughts of my partner. I demand a lot, I am aware of that, but always knowing that I should fulfill the expectation myself and that compromises have to be made. Still, my partner must be someone I find very interesting as a person.Finally, I would like to say that I believe I cope well with life despite my strong desire for a partner and that I can fill the time alone well and often even enjoy it. I even admire myself a bit for that, since it’s something I’ve managed all by myself. And it’s something to be proud of. I continue to be very euphoric to tell my views and maybe so manage to provide a space to hear all your opinions and experiences.

Now it’s your turn!

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Now I ask you, are you a “Dauersingle” and if you are, what kind are you? How do you cope with the situation?

I’m looking forward to your comments. If you have any questions you’re very welcome to contact me.

15 thoughts on ““Longterm Single” – are you always single?

  1. Thanks for this post of yours! I definitely can relate with definition of a bad luck person when it comes to finding a love life. LOL

    take care and please share more thoughts!

  2. I’m glad I found this, it perfectly describes my situation as I’ve been single for almost all my adult life. Didn’t know there was a German word for it! I try to distract myself with work and friends but it’s no substitute for the companionship of a relationship. It’s hard to stay positive when everyone around you seems to be part of a couple, I can’t help thinking there must be something wrong with me. I’ve tried dating apps, speed dating, nothing seems to work. It becomes soul destroying after a while. People say “you will meet someone one day” or “it will happen when you least expect it”, but I’m not sure how much longer I can cope with the endless loneliness.

    1. Hello Stephen!
      I completly understand you. It’s hard being and feeling alone. For me especially in the evenings after hard days and no one to talk to or at the weekends, where everybody seems to have nice plans but I have to be by myself..

      I understand, too, that people trying to encourage you doesn’t help a lot, the need for having someone to cuddle and share a life is still there. I have a few coping mechanisms:
      – If I’m feeling ok, I go to places I love and do things I love. By doing that, I radiate attractiveness and openness, which in turn helps in getting to know people. I always talk to new people also, so I do not have the feeling that I’m stuck.
      – If I’m feeling sad and lonely, I go to a massage or buy food and watch some TV. I allow myself to cry and to feel bad! Because acknowledging feelings is the best you can do for you in such situations.

      What coping mechanisms do you have?

      Also: Do you have friends or family, who understands you?? This is very important, so you don’t get lost in your thoughts and loose the grip of reality.

      If I can help you with and open ear, text me!

      I wish you all the best,
      Carmen

      1. Hi Carmen,

        Thanks so much for your reply, it’s nice to hear from someone who understands! I definitely agree about evenings being hard, during the day I have work to keep me busy but then afterwards I am just on my own with my thoughts.

        In terms of coping mechanisms I try to distract myself by keeping busy. Before coronavirus I used to socialise quite a lot with friends but that is obviously now much more difficult. I do have a lot of friends but no one I feel I can confide in, they are busy with their own lives.

        It’s very nice of you to say you you would like to help, not many would. I may drop you a message privately. I think it’s hard for people not in our situation to understand how it feels, especially when most people seem to find it very easy to go from relationship to relationship.

        All the best to you too and thanks again for responding to me!

        Stephen

        1. Hey Stephen!

          I am with you on all of the points you mentioned.
          I see it as an opportunity to strengthen myself and my independence. I would also like to have all my friends close in my life, but as you say, they have a life of their own. They have their partners and goals. My character can be very engaging, so I find it good to practice my emotional distance a little. Because, a future partnership should not be based on emotional dependence.

          I like that you distract yourself! I also notice the Corona situation very well… I try to see it as an opportunity to find myself new – I’m not always successful in it.. But for example, I have rediscovered sport for myself again ;).

          Thanks for your private message! But I would prefer to continue our conversation here, so every other lonely person can become a part of the conversation :).

          I wish you a nice day!
          Carmen

    2. I agree with that part about dating apps — soul destroying. Whew! I have started few weeks ago. I kinda doubt about finding a genuine relationship in there. My best friend met her husband in a dating app though. Lucky she. Well, happy for her. At least, less singles club.

      At this moment of my life, I still can’t say that I am content being single. I’ve been used to taking care of myself . Do I have a choice?Haha! I also long to take care of someone else aside from my mom. Like a partner in crime. I mean lifetime partner.

      Anyway, as I wait I strive to be a better version of myself. Do you think getting a tattoo is a good idea? LOL

      Take care!

      1. Hello Jenny,

        thanks for reading my post!

        I agree, dating apps can be quite exhausting, especially in times like these with corona and restrictions and so on. I learned, that more and more people come to these apps, because their bored or looking for some kind of approval. This is for people like us, people who are looking to meet someone and really want to get to know the person, really difficult to handle.

        Don’t give up though. I learned that in 1000 of matches 1 person can be truly special.. and for that I’m still on these apps :D.

        And, in regards to the tattoo, if you want one, get one :)). But don’t do it for someone else :). Just be yourself :).

        Best of wishes,
        Carmen

  3. Hiya.

    Thank you for putting this togwther, I used to feel like I was the only one struggling as a long term singleness.

    I often feel that having a healthy relationship can be as important aa having a healthy diet and at the moment I feel emotionally starved (2 years single).

    My biggest fear is that this will affect my ability to chose a suitable partner in the future because I feel like I might settle for anybody willing to show me the smallest amount of affection.

    I wondered if you had any thoughts on the effects long term singleness can have on emotional and physical wellbeing?

    1. Hey Luca,

      thanks for you comment! You are not alone with that feeling of starvation. What I do is to keep my loved ones around me, enjoy life with hobbies and spending my money on me and keeping open to new experiences. And always keeping my expectations high, I never forget what I wish in a partner :)!

      I have in fact a lot of thoughts on the effects.. I just didn’t write about it still. But you gave me a great motivation to do this and as soon as it’s done I’m texting you the link.

      Keep your head up! You’re a beautiful and strong person and you’re alone by choice! That’s the best reason!

      Love,
      Carmen.

  4. Hi!
    Im a Dauersingle since my birth… I have had some flirts and short “relationships”. But at some point there is always another man appearing from somewhere to get the girl. I have really bad luck and since some years I have no more strengh and motivation to work for a relationship… It is too much hurting for me and I have never learnt a proper way to get a good feeling and enough ego which like the girl. So ai stay single and my anger about my situation is growing which leads to many problems in my life and many missing chances.

    1. Hey Michael!!

      I hear you! It’s very upsetting to see, how the own ways of living seem to be haunted by bad luck. Also it comes with a feeling of faint, powerlessness, am I right?

      Relationships are difficult emotionally, because you have to be emotionally open and have to trust someone, who then can hurt you badly if they want. And that is not only in romantic relationships, even friendships are like that. My way of coping with this fear, since I have really similar experiences like yours, is to decide one thing:
      “Is this person worth it FOR ME?”
      What I mean by that: I have to decide, if I am interested enough, always knowing that this new person can hurt me. Actively deciding this, it gives me my power back and calms my nerves.

      And IF this person hurts me AGAIN, I just say to myself: this person is really selfish and bad, I don’t want to be around someone like that. It’s ok to close this chapter, because now I have the possibility to look for someone that really likes me.

      I guess what I am trying to say: never forget what YOU are worth! People that hurt you don’t respresent your worth! They represent theirs. And please, if you like people and want communicate and share with them, do that! You can of course be a bit reserved about your feelings, it’s ok to need more time to open up. The right people will understand!

      And another thing: be honest to yourself and others. You are hurt! And you need time to heel!! Do what you love to do. Learn new things you always were interested in. Go out and enjoy live music or alcohol tastings or walk in the nature around you. Explore yourself and break out a bit of the system. Find your way, your path, learn more and more about YOU. This new experiences will give you more and more self-confidence and you will appear more attractive to everyone around you! And always keep being honest to you and to people around you, because then you allow the right people to approach you the right way.

      Big Hug! Carmen

    1. Thank you so much, I’m currently working in the background and will soon post a lot more of content. Thanks so much for your kind words!

  5. Thanks for writing this article. It gave me a lot to think about. I’m dauersingle due to my religion and low self-esteem. I’m plus sized, have an iq of 131 and financially self sufficient. I want love, but men don’t take me seriously because of my weight and possibly because of my race (black). Because I am religious I can only marry people who follow my beliefs. So the love pool is as dry as kitty litter. Most of my friends got married before they turned 19. Most of the teens I tutored in my 20s got married before me. So I’m 24, lonely, depressed, have PCOS, and don’t really have much to look forward to in life. I’m kind of waiting to die, not suicide, but old age. That’s about it.

    1. Hello D. A. Smith,

      thank you so much for sharing your situation. Sounds really hard and rough.

      Being alone and lonely gives you that kind of thoughts, like you said, just waiting to die. I myself gave up trying to having a good time like everybody does around me. So: what do you like to do in life for fun? What gives you a smile? What makes you strong? Have you hobbies? Doing things you like to do, because they push you, opens yourself towards new and for you more fitting people.

      Of course that doesn’t give you a romantic love you want and most truly deserve! But it helps to see, that you definitely are loveable. I live from happy situation to happy situation. Cause death comes no matter what. So why not risking something, go the distance. Whatever your own limits are, try to break them and overcome them. You will grow and with that growth you will see, there most surely is someone out there for you. Give him time.

      I myself try to reduce my stress and hectic thoughts by going into the nature and breathe. Just breathe. Let you and your body feel, that you are alive. And that this life, although it’s super tough for us dauersingles, can be something most precious to us, even if noone wants to share our beliefs.

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